Body-Positive Nanny Shares How She Feeds Kids

I can help you establish respectful feeding practices foundationally. I am not qualified to diagnose or treat specific conditions. If you are concerned that your child’s eating behaviors indicate physical or developmental concerns or the presence of an eating disorder, please contact a non-diet dietician, speech-language pathologist, or other appropriate specialist.

Dear Parents,

Let’s raise children to connect with and care for, not compare, their bodies.

There are lots of ways to do this, and many of them happen at the table. My child feeding practice is modeled after Ellyn Satter's Division of Responsibility with an Intuitive Eating influence.

• Division of Responsibility* means the adults choose what's served, where it's served, and when it's served. The children choose if they eat it, and how much.

• Mental health needs to be part of the feeding equation. Intuitive Eating** is a self-care eating framework, which integrates instinct, emotion, and rational thought.

I encourage children to be scientists about their physical and emotional responses to food.

...all of which are welcomed and celebrated for the feedback they provide, including experiences that can be uncomfortable for parents and caregivers to witness, like when a child:

• eats less than it seems like they need,

• eats past fullness,

• eats nutritionally unbalanced meals,

• eats to soothe difficult emotions,

• and other things our society typically villainizes.

The truth is that these are morally neutral experiences that come with having a body. Children are incredible at compensating for what adults perceive as imbalances at their next meal or over the course of several days.

Following authentic curiosity about food and how their body responds to it, without shame or judgement, lets children experience embodiment.

Embodiment means they are able to notice body cues and make individualized decisions about how to respond to those cues.

Their process of experimentation gives them answers to internal questions like: What does it feel like to eat [number] packages of gummy fruit snacks? Does it give me energy? What does the energy feel like? How long does the energy last? Do the gummies in the last pack taste the same as the first?

Children are better scientists about their bodies than adults are with all of our biases.

I often want to teach children intuitive eating skills, but they were born with them, so I know I mostly need to stay out of their way. When I get the impulse to offer instruction, I channel it toward a new recipe or way of presenting a food. I cut the apple into circles instead of wedges. I channel my impulse to DO SOMETHING toward the satisfaction factor.

Make Mealtimes Fun

Children learn best when they feel good, and that’s true for how they learn to relate to their body and how they nourish it. Most of the time, pleasant mealtimes aren’t a big show. Think about what a pleasant meal means to you.

A pleasant meal starts with food you genuinely enjoy or are at least curious about. The food will be more enjoyable (hello, biology) if you’ve come to the meal hungry but not starved. You might have environmental preferences, like sitting outside on a nice day, having music on, having done a quick tidy up first -- things like that. Perhaps you're comforted and regulated by predictable but flexible routines.

You know what doesn’t make mealtimes pleasant? Having another person monitor what you serve yourself, offer unsolicited advice about nutrition, or talk up their personal food rules like they’ve found spiritual salvation.

So I don’t do that to kids.

But Nanny Sarah, if I don’t tell my children about the dangers of eating [food you’re scared of here], how will they avoid those dangers?!

Here’s the thing. Children are black and white thinkers. It’s not appropriate to teach them about nutrition because they haven’t developed the ability to adapt food rules in context. Labeling foods as healthy or unhealthy can cause harm to a child’s relationship with food in the short and long term.

When foods are labeled as “sometimes foods,” what does the child believe about themselves when they want the “bad” food so, so much? The answer is devastating: they believe they themselves are bad.

Do you remember climbing on the counter to get into the treats cabinet?

Do you remember feeling like something was wrong with you?

Nothing was wrong with you. Functionally, our bodies produce more dopamine in response to foods that have been restricted, so the more something is restricted, the more coveted it’s going to become. This is a hard-wired survival mechanism to be honored, not feared.

Practice food neutrality. I have seen it in action with kids, and it looks like freedom. I’m no longer surprised when a child loves a vegetable, embraces a spicy food, or leaves some cake on their plate -- things we don’t expect of children. Actually, when given the freedom to explore, their tastes can be broad. Food neutrality offers freedom for adults too!

If a child eats all of one food item you’ve served and asks for more while there are still other foods on the table, do you serve more of that item?

It’s okay to have boundaries around labor. I'm not going to boil more eggs after I just did that -- you can if you want to -- but I'll grieve with the child. "I'm sad we're out of boiled eggs too. I was really enjoying them." I might use the information to decide to serve a higher quantity next time, or I might not.

Most often I trust that, because I'm serving a variety of foods reliably throughout the day, the child will not be hungry and will overall have pleasant and satisfying associations with mealtimes.

What a relief that trust can be.

Real-life boundaries will occur with food. We can support children with whatever feelings come up for them in that.

My brothers and I used to split up crackers for the week into three bags, one for each of us, to ensure fair Goldfish distribution. Each of us would’ve gladly eaten the whole box otherwise and started a war. My dad most often chose not to buy more crackers. It's okay that he made that choice. Grocery budgets exist and, for many, are tight or even non-existent. We figured out a system that worked.

Compassion is key.

I look forward to continuing this conversation on child feeding as I continue to learn from all the amazing resources out there, grow, and recover from diet culture. Thank you for adventuring with me.

Gratefully,

Nanny Sarah

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*The Division of Responsibility article linked mentions the “o” word, which is inherently stigmatizing, so this seems as good a time as any to clarify that The Ellyn Satter Institute is not HAES-aligned. I pledge (literally) my commitment to aligning with Health at Every Size principles in my parent coaching services, nanny services, and online content. I believe Ellyn Satter’s work is foundational in weight-neutral child feeding. I use a take what you like, leave what you don’t approach as I explore Satter Institute materials.

**I linked to the Feeding Littles tag for Intuitive Eating because I think there’s a lot of great info there for parents. I encourage you to check out the official Intuitive Eating website as well, with an emphasis on the 10 Principles of Intuitive Eating.

[BOOK REVIEW] Sign with Your Baby: How to Communicate with Infants Before They Can Speak

Book Author: Dr. Joseph Garcia

Page Count: 106

Content warning for the text of this review: Parent Illness

Tumors Hearing loss

Deaf culture appropriation in the mainstream

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My History with Signs, Briefly Told:

My mom lost her hearing in phases over the 20-year span of her illness. She had brain tumors. Our house growing up had flash cards and Intro to American Sign Language books scattered around that she and my dad had collected to help us communicate in the moment, and also as an investment, knowing her hearing was only going to get worse. We'd hoped she would find community through visual language.

Because learning a language is hard, to be honest, many of those resources collected dust.

My parents figured out, after a night class and many re-watches of VHS tapes called Say It With Sign, the signs they considered foundational in our family culture (day, food, beautiful). Our family of five used our spattering of signs, clumsily, in tandem with good eye contact and clear, slow speech.

(Amazing discovery: Say It With Sign exists on the internet.)

I’m sharing this part of my history with ASL (or our makeshift interpretation of it) to disclose that I had some knowledge and practice using signs to communicate going into this book. I wasn’t and still am not an expert. I’ve had some exposure. Read to the end of this article for my notes on ability and appropriation.

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Sign with Your Baby has an accompanying video, so it functions well as a reference to visit between video viewings. My copy from the library did not include the DVD so I won’t be able to comment on that, which makes this, appropriately, a book review only.

I’m glad that I read this book to:

1. Mentally register a catalog of signs specifically for use communicating with infants.
   

2. Garner an appreciation for the fact that the signs used to communicate with infants may not align with American Sign Language or other official sign languages. Baby sign "language" has no grammar or syntax. It is not a language. Visual languages like American Sign Language are developed, complex languages.
   

3. Understand it’s okay to follow the infant’s lead. Whatever version of a sign they produce, as long as you understand their meaning, is correct.
   

4. Write this article and, through research and engagement, learn some cultural complexities of which I had been unaware.

Signs I've used most regularly with infants include:

1. More. Quantity values may seem conceptually advanced to offer someone who’s been on the planet less than a year or two, but it’s actually great for early learners because “more” can also mean “some.” It works at the kitchen table and in the playspace. “More” can mean “I would like another bite,” or, “Please stack one more block on that tower.” It’s fabulous for establishing consent if used with hugs, lotion applications, how high they want their jacket zipper zipped up -- I try to get creative with it! Others that sign with babies may choose to keep it simple with one usage (feeding).
   

2. All done/Finished. More’s partner is less. “All done” functions as “less.” Similar to “more,” it functions also as a great consent word. In this case, it means, “no,” “stop,” or “don’t.” During feeding, it can mean, “I’m satisfied with my meal,” which is a lot to communicate just by flailing your arms. I’ve typically seen infants interpret it with a flail at first. It's very cute.
   

3. Milk. It’s easy to remember because it looks just like milking a cow. I like to sign “milk” with one hand with the bottle ready near me and then hold the bottle up to make the association.
   

4. Up. Adults often interrupt babies to pick them up and it must be very annoying to the babies. I love “up” for offering the child some warning that they’re about to be vertically relocated. As they learn to sign “up” for themselves, babies can ask to get a cuddle need met with “up” or for assistance to see or reach something up high.

This is also a helpful option for me as a short adult! I can silently point at things I want taller people to grab for me and suddenly possess those things.

5. Change. For this one you put one fist on top of the other and then switch their positions, so the one that was on the top moves to the bottom. I tend to make a hook shape with my pointer fingers while I do it but that’s not required. Babies will typically mimic it by putting their hands together and holding them up. With so many diaper changes per day, increased communication can do a lot to nourish your relationship with the child and ease transitions. It can also be a helpful metric for gauging baby’s bodily function awareness as they grow into a toddler.

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You're Still a Good Parent if You Don't Use Baby Signs

It's entirely possible the benefits that have been studied regarding the use of signs with infants under one year of age had more to do with parent emphasis on communication than the value of the symbolic gestures themselves. Here's an article from the American Speech-Language-Hearing Association overviewing baby signing research and controversy with references if you want to dig deeper.

If communication is your goal, signs are an option to choose from, and there are other options. For example, RIE: Resources for Infant Educarers is all about communicating respectfully with infants and I wrote about it here.

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Notes on Ability and Appropriation

I don’t want to talk baby signs without addressing the debate about it. Choosing to sign with your baby necessarily comes with a commitment to supporting Deaf culture and honoring its history.

As the daughter of a parent who identified as hard of hearing, I encourage hearing baby sign practitioners to make a commitment to continue using signs throughout the child’s life. I cannot represent the Deaf community or the diversity found within it. The nuances of my opinions are subject to change as I explore and grow in my allyship, but my understanding currently is that if you’re going to use signs at all, be consistent. Stopping the use of signs when a baby can speak sends the message that speaking languages are more complex or advanced and therefore superior. That’s not true at all, and it’s a harmful message to promote.

Introduce children of all ages to Deaf culture and visual languages through books, videos, events, and whatever opportunities can be forged at each stage of their development.

I also want to acknowledge in reference to this book review that, as I understand it, Dr. Garcia is not deaf or hard of hearing, and that’s complicated. Here are some ASL resources created by Deaf, deaf, or hard of hearing individuals or groups:

• I watch Jessica Kellgren-Fozard’s YouTube channel at least weekly because her videos are well-researched, well-produced, authentic, and just fun! As her About page describes, she’s "adding vintage lesbian fabulousness to a life with disabilities and chronic illnesses.” Her ASL tutorials playlist has 53 videos in it at the time I'm writing this, and she takes requests! https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLhADVL2AiGX_4qLaeWvrvDiFS0ixNOu-w

• Gallaudet University - ASL Connect. Gallaudet has a powerful history I encourage you to explore alongside their free ASL learning materials. https://www.gallaudet.edu/asl-connect

• Bill Vickars has a doctorate in Deaf Education / Deaf Studies and offers free resources for self-learning in addition to paid classes. My internet browsing revealed several forums of his students saying he’s the best. They seemed adamant. http://www.lifeprint.com

You may have noticed that the above list isn’t specific to parents. I was able to find several resources for kids, but I couldn’t confirm creator identities. Please send me your recommendations for Deaf-created resources that a parent wanting to introduce their child to American Sign Language could engage with. I’d love to explore and share them, and will be especially excited if they align with other body-positive ideals.

Happy communicating!

Is Positive Discipline Body Positive?

The Positive Discipline Association doesn’t define or address body positivity. As a HAES-aligned nanny, I chose to get certified to teach Positive Discipline to parents because PD materials include body positive ideals, such as:

• No one can define health for anyone else. One of the main draws of Positive Discipline, for me, is that it encourages child participation in household decision making and invites parents and caregivers to look deeply at the motivations behind their child's behavior. It's not about forcing anyone to do something they don't want to do. We’ve all experienced that yucky feeling of receiving unsolicited guidance that put us on the defensive. Positive Discipline tools prioritize connection to help us guide children in alignment with their genuine needs.
  

• Integration of mind and body. Positive Discipline encourages physical movement as a tool for moving stress through the body, specifically in the chapters about problem-solving skills, and fortunately not as the only option or a "have to" command -- child's body, child's choice. I believe the locus on movement should be on how it makes us feel, so I find this practice encouraging! PD is primarily a social-emotional learning platform, so mental health is held with care throughout. Mental health cannot be separated from physical health, and likewise must be included in any definition of body positivity.

• Respectful mealtimes. There isn’t much content about child feeding in Positive Discipline literature. However, the main lesson PD teaches about mealtime success is to treat your child the way you would treat a dinner guest. I believe this to be a good foundation to build upon. As a PD facilitator with a special interest in preventing picky eating and supporting parents and caregivers to raise children to have a loving relationship with food and body, I find the "treat them like a dinner guest" idea serves as a non-offensive prompt to invite further anti-diet child feeding discussions.
  

• Avoiding stigmatizing language. There are no mentions of weight or the “o” words (ob*sity, ov*rwe*ght) in the Positive Discipline books or their website content. I appreciate that PD treats children with respect regardless of body size to the extent that body size is never mentioned. There's no reason it should be! (Except when necessary to call out oppression, or as a celebration of diversity.)
  

• Personal Autonomy. This connects to the point about no one being able to define health for anyone else. It's worth repeating. When I first discovered PD, I was working with a child who was often disinterested in the outings I planned. My bias was that it was "better" for this child to get out and do things and saw the child's desire to stay home to play video games as something to set a boundary around.

Cue power struggles. Adults will routinely need to set boundaries in a child’s best interest (or household's!), but in this case, I was missing a lot about “best interest”: a need to be seen and understood by me, a need for time to recharge from school and hardships, a need for social connection with local friends who played the game, a creative outlet -- in short, a need for agency over their own life, or at least agency over an afternoon now and again. I got parent permission to loosen up and stop making the child come out with me and the other children. (This was an older child, of course, and my outings were short and local.) Immediately there was a shift in our relationship. They knew I was on their side, and it became easier to plan days that supported all of our needs. By not forcing my version of fun and wellbeing on this child, I created space for them to join in authentically when they were ready. I believe Positive Discipline adds a lot of great tools to the Body Positive Parent's toolbox.

Areas for caution:

• I have come across some harmful language moralizing foods in PD workshops I've attended and in the written materials -- usually as an analogy for something not related to food -- and will not be repeating them in my parent coaching work. (Ex. “Praise is like a sometimes treat. Genuine encouragement is like a wholesome meal.” I don’t condone “sometimes” foods. Food is food. We can find a safer analogy.)

• Other facilitators are free to interpret Positive Discipline materials through a diet culture lens. It's a platform that's intentionally designed to support diverse family systems, and that's a good thing. Find a coach or workshop facilitator that shares your values.
  

Please contact me if I've missed anything in regards to stigmatizing language in Positive Discipline materials, or anything that ought to be addressed, and remember to sign up for my newsletter below to receive blogs posts like this one directly in your email inbox.